Roddy Renfrew Music

by Roddy

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Comedy songs and poems with a ukelele and a piano.


released April 2, 2012



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Roddy UK

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Track Name: I don't want to be blue again
I could believe that there is life on Mars
And aliens abduct us while we’re driving in our cars
I could believe that Elvis lives in Spain
But I can’t believe we’ll have Tories back again

I could believe Santa brings all the Christmas toys
And Tooth Fairies leave 50 ps for gummy girls and boys
I could believe there’s a place called Balamory
(That's the story)
But I can’t believe there’s a place here for the Tories

I don’t want to be blue again
Why go through it again?
I don’t know about you. But I
I don’t want to be Blue

John Major and Thatcher in the glory Tory days
Said the poor could buy a council house
The rich could buy the railways

I could believe we never made a military error
And bombing Iraq with Shock and Awe’s how you
Win a War on Terror
Those weapons of mass destruction
They really were detectable
But I can’t believe that the Tories are electable.

I don’t want to be blue again
Why go through it again?
I don’t know about you.
It’s too bad to be true
‘Cos through and through I don’t want,
I don’t want to be Blue
Track Name: Something must be wrong with my baby
Last night my baby done left me
That’s why I’m singing to you
I wrote this song about how she made me suffer
Now it’s your turn to suffer too.

There must be something wrong with my baby
I hope you’ll agree
Cos if nothing’s wrong with the woman who left me then
Something might be wrong with me.

She said that I was so stupid
Said it was just plain to see
Told her friends she’d had microwave ovens
With more intelligent features than me

Said I didn’t pay attention
Said that I just didn’t care
Then she said things I’d rather no mention
Like me having the sexual skills of a panda bear

There must be something wrong with my baby
I know you’ll agree
Cos if nothing’s wrong with the woman who dumped me then
Something might be wrong with me.

I’m not one to blow my own trumpet but I have committed no sin
It’s just every time I wrestle with my conscience
It’s me not my conscience that wins

Thank you for hearing my story
It means so much to me
You’ve been far cheaper than rehab or counseling
You have been my therapy

You can’t put a price on my feelings
You know that she hit me so hard
But for five pounds and ten p
I’ll sell you thin song on a CD
I take Visa and Mastercard

There must be something wrong with my baby
I know you’ll agree
Cos if nothing’s wrong with the woman who dumped me then …..
…we had a good think going on then she had to spoil it
all because I would never flush the toilet
I got down on my knees asked if there was any way to move her
She said ‘too late boy, you should have learned to use the Hoover.’

I only found out on the day we were parting
She never liked my comedy farting
We something must be wrong
I knew it all along
Something must be wrong with me.
Track Name: The Bonnie Takaways o' Tandoori
I'm sitting in my room
Feeling homesick feeling gloom
Trying to find the football on TV
And the thing I miss the most
Is white sliced bread or the Sunday Post
Or a Bonny Takeaway o' Tandoori
Well I've never yearned for glens
Or my Granny's buts and bens
And I've never longed to be in Pitlochry

Now all I've a growing sense of loss
For chips and curry sauce
Or a bonny takeway o' Tandoori

Oh Scotland What I need from you
Here in this hot land is a can
Just a can, a can of Irn Bru

Oh gran I would have phoned ya
If I knew the code for Caledonia
Told you of my homesick fantasy
We would go for a hurl in the car
Have a supper of Mars bars
Or a bonnie takaway o' Tandoori

Now I'm looking at the pool
And I see it's nearly full
With all the boys from Govan and Paisley
And all I wish I had was a Cumbernauld kebab
Or a bonnie takaway o' Tandoori
And a cup of tea
Made with Tetley
Or even Nambarrie
Track Name: Noel Coward on Sesame Street
Two, I do love you,
Don’t make me blue
Say that you love me too

Number 1 is often glum
And seldom is delightful
And number 3, it seems to me
I positively frightful!

But you, oh yes you
Are more than enough for two

If one drinks lots of bubbly
One ends up seeing doubly
So, responsibly for two and me
It’s tea for two and two for tea


Dancing with one is seldom fun
From the Watusi to Fandango
The Argentine will all opine
That it takes two to tango

“Tango solo”……

From Winnipeg to Malibou
They give two cheers for number two
Sited so conveniently
Between numbers one and three

Two, you’re so much more
For you are the square root of four

Oh two! I love you.

Today’s episode of Sesame Street
Was brought to you by the number two
Track Name: Ma Ain Mither Tongue
The poet near grat as he finished his rant
Aboot preservin’ and savin’ some long lost relative he cried his ‘ain mither tongue’

Seems the twa o them are awfy close
Biding thegither in a caravanette in Saltcoats
Paid fur by the Scottish Airts Cooncil

Man, I’d ma heid in ma hauns as I remembered my ain mither tongue.
A flighty crabit sleekit besom that shacked up with
The first American to whisper ‘Coca Cola’ in her shell-like lug

Geordie Orwell said if ye huvnae the words ye cannae think the thoughts
But I think we’ re daein’ just fine wi’ this
Mixter-maxter muckle muddle of Scots and English that’s changing a’ the whiles

Let's dae awa' wi a' this Scots preserved in Whisky flavoured aspic and a' that.
Synthetic Scots mince that's as truly Scots as deep-fried Sushi (Ars Tempura an' a' that an' a' that)

Ye’d be mad tae lock up yer ain mither tae keep her frae changing like some linguistic Miss Haversham wi her wedin’ claes a’ in tatters frae her oxters tae the flair
Looking like the torn up pages o' last century’s ‘Dictionary of the Scots Language’

No leave her be, let her go free tae fly as the howlin gales tak her
Dinnae chain her
That’s no the way that us lads and lasses o’ pairts brought up in the demoncratic intellect maun act.

Naw, thems the notions o’ girners and stiflers doon the ages
The kind that end up on committees tae spier that some glaekit looking thingmy cannae be changed forbye it’s a part of oor bonny bonny heritage

Naw, that’s no the way.
So gonnae dae us a’ a favour and dinnae tell folks how to speak or whit words tae use
Or how tae think

Now, whit’s Scots for ‘Control Freak?’
Track Name: Ukelele man
When I was a young thing
Papa said ‘we’re poor
Can’t afford no six –string
You gotta make do with four’

But when you’re a man
World will see what you become
You’ll be the ukelele man
Cos son you was born to strum

I was busking in the city
When I was just nineteen
A woman laughed and said
That’s the smallest thing I ever seen!

I said with a ukelele you get lots a fun
You’re always smooth and silky
When you’re nylon strung

Then she made me a man
Made what I’ve become
She made me the ukelele man
She said hun you was born to strum

If you want to do something
Special with your life
Find yourself a ukelele
And a hootchie-cootchie wife

And you’ll become
Just what I’ve become
You’ll be the ukelele man
Cos we’re all born to strum
Track Name: Triple A
Hear the story that I’m relating
You won’t credit my fallen rating
Used to be special with allure
Now it’s just Standard and Poor

Have you seen my Triple A?
Been searching for it night and day
Used to spend like there was no tomorrow
Now I can’t afford to borrow
Have you seen my Triple A?

Cut cut! Economise
Cut cut! Privatise
Cut cut! Relieve the tension
Cut cut! All the pensions

Squeeze the middle squeeze the poor
Always on the fiddle always ask for more
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze them tight
But don’t touch the rich
‘Cos that ain’t right

Buddy I’ll need more than a dime
To recover those three A’s of mine
But I can get them back again
If you lend me three trillion yen
Get me back my Triple A

Cut cut …….
Track Name: Mes Cours de Français
Ecoutez et repetez

Un beau jour d’ete Jean Paul et Marie Claire
Sont a la plage, au bord de la mer
Ils disent “Bonjour” a leur amie Marie Claude
Ils mangent des glaces parce qu il fait chaud.

Ce sont les mots les seules mot que je connais
A la fin de mes cours de Francais

Ecoutez, repetez, parlez et oubliez
Ce n’est pas si complique
Parlez comme les Anglais
Ecoutez, repetez avalez regourgetez
Decouvrez le secret
De parler comme les Anglais

Jean Paul est dans la salle a manger
Mais qu’est-ce-qu’il fait –non, pas lui!
Quelle horreur, sacre blue, oh mon coeur
Il mange avec plaisir, une assiette de cuisses de grennouilles

Ce sont les mots ……

Ecoutez repetez, les phrases malcomprenes
Apprenez le Francais, comme les Anglais
Ecoutez repetez, les mots malprononces
Vous allez bien arriver a
Parler comme les Anglais

Et ou est Marie Claire a cette heure?
Dans la rue avec son ami Sebastien
Ils ne mangent pas des bifteks de cheval
Non, ils fument tous les deux les Gitanes

Ce sont les mots ……

Ecoutez repetez votre victime est le Francaise
Faite l’etranguler!
Comme les Anglais!

Ecoutez repetez parelz et oubliez
Ce n’est pas si complique,
Parlez commes les Anglais!

Listen and repeat

One fine summer’s day Jean Paul and Marie Claire
Are on the beach beside the sea
They say hello to their friend Marie Claude
They are eating ice creams because it’s hot

These are the words the only words I still know
After my French lessons so long ago

Listen and repeat
Speak and forget
It’s not so difficult
To speak (French) like the English
Listen repeat
Swallow and spit out
Discover the secret
Of speaking like the English

Jean Paul is in the dining room
But what is he doing? Oh no not him!
Quelle horreur, sacre blue, oh mon coeur

He’s enjoying eating frogs’ legs!

These are the words ….

Listen and repeat misunderstood phrases
Learn French like the English
Listen and repeat mispronounced words
You’ll find that your are speaking
Like the English

And where is Marie Claire just now?
In the street with her friend Sebastien
They’re not eating horse steaks
No, they’re both smoking Gitanes!

These are the words …

Listen and repeat
Your victim is the French language
Go on and strangle it
Like the English do

Listen and repeat
Speak like Maurice Chevalier
Not like
Not like the English

Listen and repeat ….
Track Name: Sesame Street Love Song
Do you know that I love you?
Let me spell it out for you.

I.L.O.V.E I.L.O.V.E.
Y.O.U. Y.O.U.
That spells I love you.

Though I never ever met you at all
Maybe one day I'll be lucky
Your photograph is here on my wall
With you holding Rubber Ducky

Now you know that I love you
Even though you're fluffy and blue

I.L.O.V.E I.L.O.V.E.
Y.O.U. Y.O.U.
That spells I love you.
Track Name: You're good enough to eat
My, my, my,
Won’t you be my honey pie
So many things we could try
Sauté smoke or shallow fry

Eee, ee, ee, eat
Won’t you be my sugar sweet?
Let’s find a place to meet
'Cos you look good enough to eat]

I think we could be on to a winner
Let’s find a time when I could
Have you over for dinner

Ooo, oo, oo, oo
You know I got the hots for you
I think a moderate oven would do
Or would you care to barbeque?

I’ll cut things finely and then
I’ll be Romeo and you’ll be Julienne

Ooo, oo, oo, oo
How I love the things you do
You got me sounding like a train would do
I’m going
Chew, chew, chew chew.

I’ll have the best of you and then later
I’ll put the rest of you
In my refrigerator

Oh Oh Oh Oh
You’re the one I want to know
But let’s take it slow
Marinate for an hour or so

This is a public service announcement
Eating people is wrong.
Track Name: Paint Pot Politics
He talked for hours on the phone to her
Said he would pay for the call
But she soon realized her was one of those guys
Who never pay at all

She said that she should move in with him
He loved her couldn’t she tell?
But when that innocent spouse
Moved into the House
She found his friends lived there as well

I say ooh what that man would do
He’s the kind of crazy fellow who’d put
Dirty blue in your purest yellow
Ooh what that man would do .. you

He said that they should economise
Eat less every day
But the truth of the matter is he just got fatter
And she just wasted away

He asked her to bend a few rules for him
Break promises now and again
But when trouble broke out she was left in no doubt
She had to take all the blame

Oooh what that man would do ….

She thought that she could change him
Make him a better man
But she ran for cover when she met his mother
And the rest of the bestial clan

Oooh ………
Track Name: Feet

Feet, help you walk along the street
Where you and your socks meet
What a treat, so sweet
You’ve got to hand it to your feet

Feet, help you when you need to hurry
Like Usain Bolt or Andy Murray
Speed along in a flurry
No worry when you’ve got your feet

When you have a pair of feet
You’re in evolution’s top elite
You’re the envy of every fish you meet
When you’ve got your feet

Feet, can get smelly in the heat
Got to keep them clean and sweet
That’s neat
You got to keep an eye on your feet

Now the average shoe is eight inches long
Nine for the average boot
Easy to see that something’s wrong
Most feet are not a foot

Feet, a perfect pair of parcels
Of muscle, nerves and metatarsals
Your fortresses, your castles
You’ve got to stand up for your feet

They do it for you.
Track Name: Sweet and Sour
Sweet and Sour

You said if I were a salad you wouldn’t give a toss
Vinegar words served up in such a chilly sauce
I over-egged the pudding when I said it was your fault
You said you’d have to take my words with a pinch of salt

Sweet and sour, we had our love on a plate
Until the hour we passed our sell by date
Sweet and sour, to be loved then hated
We blended at first but then we just grated

You put me in a pickle I put you in a jam
I tried to curry favour, you acted like an innocent lamb
My anger simmered inside you left yours to stew
Then they all boiled over, hot as vindaloo

Sweet and sour, we had our love on a plate
Until the hour we passed our sell by date
Sweet and sour, to be loved then hated
We blended at first but then we just grated

Sweet and sour, we should have set some alerts
To tell us how we’d had our just desserts