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Roddy Renfrew Music

by Roddy

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1.
I don't want to be blue again 02:56
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I could believe that there is life on Mars And aliens abduct us while we’re driving in our cars I could believe that Elvis lives in Spain But I can’t believe we’ll have Tories back again I could believe Santa brings all the Christmas toys And Tooth Fairies leave 50 ps for gummy girls and boys I could believe there’s a place called Balamory (That's the story) But I can’t believe there’s a place here for the Tories I don’t want to be blue again Why go through it again? I don’t know about you. But I I don’t want to be Blue John Major and Thatcher in the glory Tory days Said the poor could buy a council house The rich could buy the railways I could believe we never made a military error And bombing Iraq with Shock and Awe’s how you Win a War on Terror Those weapons of mass destruction They really were detectable But I can’t believe that the Tories are electable. I don’t want to be blue again Why go through it again? I don’t know about you. It’s too bad to be true ‘Cos through and through I don’t want, I don’t want to be Blue
2.
Something must be wrong with my baby 03:30
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Last night my baby done left me That’s why I’m singing to you I wrote this song about how she made me suffer Now it’s your turn to suffer too. There must be something wrong with my baby I hope you’ll agree Cos if nothing’s wrong with the woman who left me then Something might be wrong with me. She said that I was so stupid Said it was just plain to see Told her friends she’d had microwave ovens With more intelligent features than me Said I didn’t pay attention Said that I just didn’t care Then she said things I’d rather no mention Like me having the sexual skills of a panda bear There must be something wrong with my baby I know you’ll agree Cos if nothing’s wrong with the woman who dumped me then Something might be wrong with me. I’m not one to blow my own trumpet but I have committed no sin It’s just every time I wrestle with my conscience It’s me not my conscience that wins Thank you for hearing my story It means so much to me You’ve been far cheaper than rehab or counseling You have been my therapy You can’t put a price on my feelings You know that she hit me so hard But for five pounds and ten p I’ll sell you thin song on a CD I take Visa and Mastercard There must be something wrong with my baby I know you’ll agree Cos if nothing’s wrong with the woman who dumped me then ….. …we had a good think going on then she had to spoil it all because I would never flush the toilet I got down on my knees asked if there was any way to move her She said ‘too late boy, you should have learned to use the Hoover.’ I only found out on the day we were parting She never liked my comedy farting We something must be wrong I knew it all along Something must be wrong with me.
3.
The Bonnie Takaways o' Tandoori 02:08
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I'm sitting in my room Feeling homesick feeling gloom Trying to find the football on TV And the thing I miss the most Is white sliced bread or the Sunday Post Or a Bonny Takeaway o' Tandoori Well I've never yearned for glens Or my Granny's buts and bens And I've never longed to be in Pitlochry Now all I've a growing sense of loss For chips and curry sauce Or a bonny takeway o' Tandoori Oh Scotland What I need from you Here in this hot land is a can Just a can, a can of Irn Bru Oh gran I would have phoned ya If I knew the code for Caledonia Told you of my homesick fantasy We would go for a hurl in the car Have a supper of Mars bars Or a bonnie takaway o' Tandoori Now I'm looking at the pool And I see it's nearly full With all the boys from Govan and Paisley And all I wish I had was a Cumbernauld kebab Or a bonnie takaway o' Tandoori And a cup of tea Made with Tetley Or even Nambarrie
4.
Noel Coward on Sesame Street 02:04
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Two, I do love you, Don’t make me blue Say that you love me too Number 1 is often glum And seldom is delightful And number 3, it seems to me I positively frightful! But you, oh yes you Are more than enough for two If one drinks lots of bubbly One ends up seeing doubly So, responsibly for two and me It’s tea for two and two for tea Two Dancing with one is seldom fun From the Watusi to Fandango The Argentine will all opine That it takes two to tango “Tango solo”…… From Winnipeg to Malibou They give two cheers for number two Sited so conveniently Between numbers one and three Two, you’re so much more For you are the square root of four Oh two! I love you. Today’s episode of Sesame Street Was brought to you by the number two Goodbye.
5.
Ma Ain Mither Tongue 01:59
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The poet near grat as he finished his rant Aboot preservin’ and savin’ some long lost relative he cried his ‘ain mither tongue’ Seems the twa o them are awfy close Biding thegither in a caravanette in Saltcoats Paid fur by the Scottish Airts Cooncil Man, I’d ma heid in ma hauns as I remembered my ain mither tongue. A flighty crabit sleekit besom that shacked up with The first American to whisper ‘Coca Cola’ in her shell-like lug Geordie Orwell said if ye huvnae the words ye cannae think the thoughts But I think we’ re daein’ just fine wi’ this Mixter-maxter muckle muddle of Scots and English that’s changing a’ the whiles Let's dae awa' wi a' this Scots preserved in Whisky flavoured aspic and a' that. Synthetic Scots mince that's as truly Scots as deep-fried Sushi (Ars Tempura an' a' that an' a' that) Ye’d be mad tae lock up yer ain mither tae keep her frae changing like some linguistic Miss Haversham wi her wedin’ claes a’ in tatters frae her oxters tae the flair Looking like the torn up pages o' last century’s ‘Dictionary of the Scots Language’ No leave her be, let her go free tae fly as the howlin gales tak her Dinnae chain her That’s no the way that us lads and lasses o’ pairts brought up in the demoncratic intellect maun act. Naw, thems the notions o’ girners and stiflers doon the ages The kind that end up on committees tae spier that some glaekit looking thingmy cannae be changed forbye it’s a part of oor bonny bonny heritage Naw, that’s no the way. So gonnae dae us a’ a favour and dinnae tell folks how to speak or whit words tae use Or how tae think Now, whit’s Scots for ‘Control Freak?’
6.
Ukelele man 02:00
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When I was a young thing Papa said ‘we’re poor Can’t afford no six –string You gotta make do with four’ But when you’re a man World will see what you become You’ll be the ukelele man Cos son you was born to strum I was busking in the city When I was just nineteen A woman laughed and said That’s the smallest thing I ever seen! I said with a ukelele you get lots a fun You’re always smooth and silky When you’re nylon strung Then she made me a man Made what I’ve become She made me the ukelele man She said hun you was born to strum If you want to do something Special with your life Find yourself a ukelele And a hootchie-cootchie wife And you’ll become Just what I’ve become You’ll be the ukelele man Cos we’re all born to strum
7.
Triple A 01:51
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Hear the story that I’m relating You won’t credit my fallen rating Used to be special with allure Now it’s just Standard and Poor Have you seen my Triple A? Been searching for it night and day Used to spend like there was no tomorrow Now I can’t afford to borrow Have you seen my Triple A? Cut cut! Economise Cut cut! Privatise Cut cut! Relieve the tension Cut cut! All the pensions Squeeze the middle squeeze the poor Always on the fiddle always ask for more Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze them tight But don’t touch the rich ‘Cos that ain’t right Buddy I’ll need more than a dime To recover those three A’s of mine But I can get them back again If you lend me three trillion yen Get me back my Triple A Cut cut …….
8.
Mes Cours de Français 03:11
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Ecoutez et repetez Un beau jour d’ete Jean Paul et Marie Claire Sont a la plage, au bord de la mer Ils disent “Bonjour” a leur amie Marie Claude Ils mangent des glaces parce qu il fait chaud. Ce sont les mots les seules mot que je connais A la fin de mes cours de Francais Ecoutez, repetez, parlez et oubliez Ce n’est pas si complique Parlez comme les Anglais Ecoutez, repetez avalez regourgetez Decouvrez le secret De parler comme les Anglais Jean Paul est dans la salle a manger Mais qu’est-ce-qu’il fait –non, pas lui! Quelle horreur, sacre blue, oh mon coeur Il mange avec plaisir, une assiette de cuisses de grennouilles Ce sont les mots …… Ecoutez repetez, les phrases malcomprenes Apprenez le Francais, comme les Anglais Ecoutez repetez, les mots malprononces Vous allez bien arriver a Parler comme les Anglais Et ou est Marie Claire a cette heure? Dans la rue avec son ami Sebastien Ils ne mangent pas des bifteks de cheval Non, ils fument tous les deux les Gitanes Ce sont les mots …… Ecoutez repetez votre victime est le Francaise Faite l’etranguler! Comme les Anglais! Ecoutez repetez parelz et oubliez Ce n’est pas si complique, Parlez commes les Anglais! Listen and repeat One fine summer’s day Jean Paul and Marie Claire Are on the beach beside the sea They say hello to their friend Marie Claude They are eating ice creams because it’s hot These are the words the only words I still know After my French lessons so long ago Listen and repeat Speak and forget It’s not so difficult To speak (French) like the English Listen repeat Swallow and spit out Discover the secret Of speaking like the English Jean Paul is in the dining room But what is he doing? Oh no not him! Quelle horreur, sacre blue, oh mon coeur
 He’s enjoying eating frogs’ legs! These are the words …. Listen and repeat misunderstood phrases Learn French like the English Listen and repeat mispronounced words You’ll find that your are speaking Like the English And where is Marie Claire just now? In the street with her friend Sebastien They’re not eating horse steaks No, they’re both smoking Gitanes! These are the words … Listen and repeat Your victim is the French language Go on and strangle it Like the English do Listen and repeat Speak like Maurice Chevalier Not like Not like the English Listen and repeat ….
9.
Sesame Street Love Song 02:20
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Do you know that I love you? Let me spell it out for you. I.L.O.V.E I.L.O.V.E. Y.O.U. Y.O.U. That spells I love you. Though I never ever met you at all Maybe one day I'll be lucky Your photograph is here on my wall With you holding Rubber Ducky Now you know that I love you Even though you're fluffy and blue I.L.O.V.E I.L.O.V.E. Y.O.U. Y.O.U. That spells I love you.
10.
You're good enough to eat 01:35
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My, my, my, Won’t you be my honey pie So many things we could try Sauté smoke or shallow fry Eee, ee, ee, eat Won’t you be my sugar sweet? Let’s find a place to meet 'Cos you look good enough to eat] I think we could be on to a winner Let’s find a time when I could Have you over for dinner Ooo, oo, oo, oo You know I got the hots for you I think a moderate oven would do Or would you care to barbeque? I’ll cut things finely and then I’ll be Romeo and you’ll be Julienne Ooo, oo, oo, oo How I love the things you do You got me sounding like a train would do I’m going Chew, chew, chew chew. I’ll have the best of you and then later I’ll put the rest of you In my refrigerator Oh Oh Oh Oh You’re the one I want to know But let’s take it slow Marinate for an hour or so This is a public service announcement Eating people is wrong.
11.
Paint Pot Politics 03:07
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He talked for hours on the phone to her Said he would pay for the call But she soon realized her was one of those guys Who never pay at all She said that she should move in with him He loved her couldn’t she tell? But when that innocent spouse Moved into the House She found his friends lived there as well I say ooh what that man would do He’s the kind of crazy fellow who’d put Dirty blue in your purest yellow Ooh what that man would do .. ..to you He said that they should economise Eat less every day But the truth of the matter is he just got fatter And she just wasted away He asked her to bend a few rules for him Break promises now and again But when trouble broke out she was left in no doubt She had to take all the blame Oooh what that man would do …. She thought that she could change him Make him a better man But she ran for cover when she met his mother And the rest of the bestial clan Oooh ………
12.
Feet 02:02
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Feet Feet, help you walk along the street Where you and your socks meet What a treat, so sweet You’ve got to hand it to your feet Feet, help you when you need to hurry Like Usain Bolt or Andy Murray Speed along in a flurry No worry when you’ve got your feet When you have a pair of feet You’re in evolution’s top elite You’re the envy of every fish you meet When you’ve got your feet Feet, can get smelly in the heat Got to keep them clean and sweet That’s neat You got to keep an eye on your feet Now the average shoe is eight inches long Nine for the average boot Easy to see that something’s wrong Most feet are not a foot Feet, a perfect pair of parcels Of muscle, nerves and metatarsals Your fortresses, your castles You’ve got to stand up for your feet They do it for you.
13.
A ukulele in Africa 01:40
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14.
Rodrigo uke Gabriella 01:01
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15.
Ukulele blues 01:15
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16.
Ukulele Reggae 00:58
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17.
Ukulele Rag 00:53
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18.
Ukulele jazz 01:04
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19.
Baroquelele 00:55
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20.
Ukulele Ragtime 00:50
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21.
Lifetime 00:40
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22.
Autumn Piano 01:10
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23.
Ukulele Ping Pong 00:59
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24.
Scotsmen in the sun 02:29
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25.
Green Tea 00:43
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26.
Half in love with you 01:52
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27.
Alien invasion meets health and safety 01:53
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28.
Sweet and Sour 01:48
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Sweet and Sour You said if I were a salad you wouldn’t give a toss Vinegar words served up in such a chilly sauce I over-egged the pudding when I said it was your fault You said you’d have to take my words with a pinch of salt Sweet and sour, we had our love on a plate Until the hour we passed our sell by date Sweet and sour, to be loved then hated We blended at first but then we just grated You put me in a pickle I put you in a jam I tried to curry favour, you acted like an innocent lamb My anger simmered inside you left yours to stew Then they all boiled over, hot as vindaloo Sweet and sour, we had our love on a plate Until the hour we passed our sell by date Sweet and sour, to be loved then hated We blended at first but then we just grated Sweet and sour, we should have set some alerts To tell us how we’d had our just desserts

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Comedy songs and poems with a ukelele and a piano.

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released April 2, 2012

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Roddy UK

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